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News [26 Jul 2005|02:30pm]
Hey everyone who happens to read this...um...Matt is in the hospital...and so...I just think people should know where he is. He's not dead!!! Hahaha...He's actually doing great amd should be out soon. :)

ugh [19 Jul 2005|02:23pm]
[ mood | moody ]

Yesterday Matt was in a really good mood...like really really. He let me hang all over him and hug him and hold hands with him and didn't even yell at me once (except for when we were in his backyard but it was worth it). I don't know why he was in such a good mood...it's not like I'm complaining because I'm not.

But his dad doesn't want me to stay there anymore. And so I have to go home I guess which I do NOT want to do because I'm sick of having to take care of my mom. And Matt's been in a really bad mood because his dad is now engaged....I feel bad for him-he really loved his mom a lot and it's like being asked to give up on her and leave her behind.

People were bugging me the other day...people who know about my dad. I just wanted to kill them all. I love my dad which is sort of stupid because of how he treated me as a kid, but I guess I just forgive him...and I don't know...



[11 Jul 2005|08:40am]
[ mood | hyper ]

My birthday is coming up... I wonder if my mom will even remember. Dad and Rob want to take me out...but I don't know...I don't want to leave mom at home you know? Well whatever... I wonder if Matt and I will do anything...I went to his house like five times today and he wasnt there...



!YAY! [07 Jul 2005|03:56pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOooOOooOOoOOOooOOoooOOoooOoOo happy!!!!!! Life is great for a while!!! I'm spending the night at Matts tonight but I'm afraid of risking things again.j And I dont mean our relationship...I kind of mean my life. But if he loves me and it happens to both of us and we're togther than I dont care. And I'll do anything for him. ANYTHING!!!!

Im soooooooooooooooooooo happy!


1 Questions| Unanswered

[02 Jul 2005|01:39pm]
I want to kill myself. I want to kill both of them. I want to kill my dad and my mom and robert and then kill myself. I hate this life and i hate everyone in it. If a broken heart doesn't kill me, then i'll have to do it myself and i really don't want to do that. So matt come on. You've killed a majority of me. Lets take it all the way. ANd dad? Oh yeah i just love you so much you fucking pervert. youve completely ruined me i can enjoy love anymore. robert yeah whatever just dont talk to me. mom grow up. i hate you. im not the adult here. you are. act like it.

2 Questionss| Unanswered

[26 Jun 2005|07:52pm]
I hate him!!!! I hate him so much!!!!!!!!
2 Questionss| Unanswered

[22 Jun 2005|11:45pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

He makes me so mad. One day he loves me the next he hates me and he doesnt seem to be able to make up his mind.

2 Questionss| Unanswered

[16 Jun 2005|03:22pm]
Im completely numb. Numb numb numb. I can't feel anything. Maybe it's because I took a lot of Tylenol but it could've been anything, really. Or I'm just tired and am ignoring what bothers me. It's weird. I like it. So...well...bye

[08 Jun 2005|12:32pm]
My birthday's coming up. I'll only be 16. I can't wait to leave here it's too much for me to take. Last night Matt came over: scared the crap out of me. It was nice though, to know he cared. I felt so stinking embarrassed though. I haven't seen him since that fight we had and now with my mom who knows where it was great having him stay with me...i hate myself though. I think I'm going to go fucking kill myself and I'm not kidding--I'm seriously considering it. I want out of this so bad that it hurts...
1 Questions| Unanswered

things are sucking big time [29 May 2005|06:18pm]
Things are ruff lately. I've been doing so many make-up tests all last week because of HER! Ugh...I'm so sick of this...I'm not a baby-sitter and I'm not a parent. I'm not even an adult. This sucks. She needs to grow the heck up and get over it all like I did...!!!!

[16 May 2005|08:34pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Just as I expected: my mom was really mad about me staying with my dad. It was really weird with Robert there, regardless of how much you love him, Jenny. At least Matt came over and kept me company. He didn't say one word to my dad and he and Robert were really funny...Matt kept cracking gay jokes and robert would laugh and say a straight one. it was strangely funny....


boring as usual [11 May 2005|07:53pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

This weekend I'm thinking of either staying at Matt's, Jen's, or my dad's...even though I don't really want to stay at my dad's because A) I'm not supposed to and B) I want to hate that loser he's with but he's too nice to me. and he can be pretty funny.

The reason why I wouldn't want to stay at Matt's: I'm slightly mad at him because of Monday night. I wanted to choke him on Tuesday. I felt like crap all because of him and got yelled at in P.E. because I wasn't doing anything, because I was too icky...(good descriptive word, i know) feeling, then people were purposely being jerks because me not doing much.

Not going to Jen's: the baby always wakes me up at six in the morning and I need some sleep this weekend...

Then there's always the possibility of staying at home...which i really dont want to do because it would be another weekend in hell with my mother.

Suggestions would be appreciated. so would living room couches for me to crash on...

4 Questionss| Unanswered

future again [09 May 2005|07:52pm]
I've figured it out. Once this fling with Matt is over, I get married to a woman and pretend to be something and someone i'm not until i die. there. All worked out. There's my fsking future.

[07 May 2005|01:36pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

Went to Matt's last night, he wasn't there. Then I found out he was out taking a walk with Lark. Before I started hanging with Matt, I guess they were really great friends so I'm glad they're talking again. Matt told me that ever since he went to the hospital around this time of year, she was mad at him. Oh wow...I just realized that on May...16? he went to the hospital...I didn't know him well then. But I know everyone at school was making a huge deal over it. And now look at me. I'm an idiot who's acting like such a girl over him....ugh


future [06 May 2005|05:49pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Today in art, she told us to "think about our futures. aim for what you want in the future. Paint your future" How stupid is that? What you think of your future is so unrealistic. Let's just think for a moment, shall we? Who says ANYTHING you think of will happen? Did my dad plan to have a son since he was in highschool so he could take his anger out on him? Did matt's mom plan on getting married just so she could leave? Did my mom wake up one day and say "HEY! I want to be a fsking alcoholic when I get older!" not to mention how she must've just prayed every fsking day for a son like me! So I refuse to think about my future until I really really have to. And even then I'll put it off.

Matt was mad today. At Jenny-chan. he needs to be more understanding. He of all people should get it, but he's being too stubborn. But it's none of my business so I'll just butt out of it.
Speaking of butting out (sorry, Jen this isn't going to get kinky) but Tony needs to butt out of it all. I was...they were...people were saying crap today and he yelled at them. I don't want him to get into it. Lark, Jenny, and Matt are bad enough. I don't need Tony getting picked on too. He's too nice... Ugh... I'm going to go take a nap or something maybe...


...?! [03 May 2005|07:34pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I called my dad and talked to him today...I admit I was sort of mean to him. I told him how mom wasn't going to her meetings lately, and he was kind of...inconsiderate and asked what he was supposed to do about. When I didn't answer, he asked if she was mistreating me...and I lost my temper and said something like "No she doesn't beat me like you used to. At least she loves me no matter how much alcohol she's had" and I hung up on him and went to school...Yeah...not the smartest, nicest thing for me to do, but frankly, I don't care. School is getting...I want to say better because it's almost summer...but it's not really because people are being worse than usual. They hate me. I'm not complaining, because my friends ARE the greatest...it's just...why do people need to be such jerks?


soooo [01 May 2005|02:11pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Yesterday I was supposed to go see my dad and meet him for lunch, and Matt wanted to come so I let him. Then while we were eating, I had to go use the restroom, and when I got back, it was all really quiet so I know they were talking about SOMETHING. I asked Matt what it was when we left, but he wouldn't tell me. I was really tired but I didn't want to go home right away so I just asked Matt to drive around for me. So I fell asleep and when I woke up we were at the lake and Matt was sitting outside smoking...and he hardly ever smokes unless he's really upset. He does that lately instead of cutting so I guess that's good, but I was still worried, so i went outside and sat by him. And do you know what? He said he loved me. He never says he does...like I'll say I love him and he'll say "thanks" or "you too" or something, and he actually said he loved me without me saying anything to him first. And I asked him what the matter was, and he just shook his head and wouldn't say anything else. And then I went home, packed clothes for the weekend and then went online and when Matt got off line I went to his house and we watched some TV and he fell asleep on the couch. Wow....this whole entry is about him...just to make sure it isn't all about him, my mom went to work all this weekend. Good.


my day [29 Apr 2005|06:02pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

Last night I went to Matt's and spent the night and today we stayed home at his house together. We slept all day practically...well, he did. Then he made me make him some lunch and then we watched some movies in his room. It sucks because now I'm back home and my mom is sober enough to realize how much of a mess our apartment is so she's yelling the heck out of me. Well...I think that's all because I'm supposed to make dinner soon.


First entry [28 Apr 2005|09:36pm]
Um...I don't know. Someone forced me to make this journal...cough cough. So...I guess I was feeling nice cause here it is...more later...

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